It's just that at this point, suddenly all my dreams and aspirations before are actually starting to lose its color. I'm feeling like I have the passion still burning inside me to want to start something but I'm losing the motivation because I'm too afraid of the world outside the four corners of my safe haven I call home.
A lot of people may not actually know this since I'm not a very vocal person, and most of the time I'm the listener than the talker, but under the skin of a happy-go-lucky, whatever-floats-your-boat, couch-potato, friends-with-the-internet-forever girl that I can be is a scared girl. Like many people would say, probably persons with the biggest smiles also have the the deepest and most painful cuts, and I guess I am just like everybody else. I may not seem like it, but I guess I've shown too many smiles and had put up too many happy fronts that I just got tired, felt the need to let go of it once and for all, and make myself understand my sad feelings better. Hence, came that day that I did understand how such a pessimist I am behind all those cheering up of myself, staying positive, and thinking positive. After that was the unhealthy train of making it a habit to find faults in myself which I know, sadly, isn't going to be a help at all especially now that I'm in a bigger world. A trickier, more diverse, more demanding, more complex, and harsher reality.
To top everything, I hate it how sudden realizations just dawned on me like a total slap on the face recently.
One, I realized that I don't want to be in the field I chose and took for four years in college (and worked my way just to pass a very important exam and finally earn my license) and I just sadly realized it after months of contemplation. I mean, yes, while I was still in school and studying its concepts I had tried my best to love the path I had taken, and yet during my graduation day I wasn't still sure if it's the path I want to take and if I finally learned to love it. If I did, will I be able to go through it and take the hardships that will come? It was tough for me even though that should be a trivial matter for some.
I'm not really a person who has a structured mindset, and has a vision of what her future or her dream job will be so school was still like a playground to me. I just studied, fooled around, did whatever I wanted whenever I have time, stayed awake even at wee hours just to pamper myself with the things I couldn't do when the sun is still up, but at the end of the day I make sure that I ace anything in school. I know that it's a well used praise that 'grades shouldn't define you' but with the pressure that I have to do great like my siblings, with the expectations from my professors and my parents, and the confidence my classmates and friends have with me made me want to push myself even harder. So, despite the huge amount of time I use to lax around, I still bow to the pressure of doing well. That probably made me the over-thinker and huge pessimist that I am now.
Two, I never knew what it felt like to be the least favorite or highly disapproved of by our parents, out of four children in our family. They always supported me in everything I did because I always made them proud. I was always on cloud nine whenever my mom would praise me for doing a great job. Never mind the pricey rewards other parents give their children for doing great because I don't receive them and the compliments my mom would give me are enough. And even if I don't say it out loud, I feel quite proud whenever my dad would go up the stage every recognition day and would wear the medal I earned around my neck after a school year's worth of hard work finally paying off, because he seldom did it for my other siblings. According to him I am his favorite, and although I always tell him that I don't believe him, deep inside I feel warm because he always tells me that.
However, in the present, it's as if the wheels have turned and suddenly my mom disapproves of my choices and I feel like my dad is disappointed of it too just because I told them that I want to write. I want a job where I can practice my passion and feel happy at the same time because I know it's the thing I want to do and the thing that I know I will enjoy doing. Yes, maybe that's too impractical with the life we have and maybe I would earn less, but then what would be the point of doing something you dislike no matter how much well it pays? It'll probably only be suffocating, and it will only leave me more regrets to think of in the future. It'll probably give me a more secured future, but will leave me no space to grow as a person. Life's just too short to regret so many times and live like as if you're not even living at all, and I don't want to end up like that.
Three, I have been passionate about writing ever since I was a child, and I still remember it up to now how I wrote my first English story about pigs when I was just five, how I still remember and hold on to what my fifth grade teacher told me about being a writer someday and her being the first one to read my published books, how I used to buy notebooks and write on them the stories I have in mind and how I still do it until now (just that there is the internet and netizens as my audience).
Truth is that I love to write and maybe I live and breathe for it, but I just hadn't thought of it before ever becoming my dream job in this future. To me it was a mere hobby that I just wanted to idly do at any day that I am in the mood for it. But then as I grow older, maybe even more mature, and probably wiser, I realized that I can also use my talent or skill in writing to profit while improving it through getting a job related to what I actually envisions myself being involved in.
I get that it's a good thing that I know where I want to be, but it's just that I am not too confident to take a huge leap going to that path. Maybe because I am over analyzing things that a job requires me to do and I am clearly downgrading myself and my own talent. Because no matter how much other people say about me being good at writing, I still have my own self doubts. I am always not too sure of myself.
I have great passion but with only little fuel to work on it and take a bigger responsibility.
Four, the bigger world out there and people around me saying discouraging things, no matter how much I try to talk myself that I shouldn't listen to them, makes me feel as if I'm not cut for the job I want, despite my heart and mind shouting at me that it's the thing I want to do and the job I can dream myself being at.
I often hear people say it'd be hard to find a job because the course I took was too far from being related to the path that I want now, and the qualifications of certain writing jobs just sounds too grand to me just because I don't have so much I can put in my resume that would make it look impressive in the eyes of an employer. I often over think about these things that I always end going back to zero no matter how many times I try to take the first step.
Then with coming down to reality after being stuck on a certain page for such a long time I realized today, after reading some personal testimonials of people who started from scratch, from small things that looked like futile steps before in reaching their dreams, that chasing after what you want in life is not about having the perfect resume, or the right education to pursue a path that you want so badly, or with having the approval from people around you, and being the best at what you do. It's not about all those things at all.
It's about you being brave, having the guts to take the small steps that you need in order to make the smallest difference in your life that will probably create a bigger difference in your future. A future that I'm starting to see clearly again because of the strength I earned from finding the lucky odds out among the more complex reality that is there.
'Dreams are not meant to stay dreams, for dreams are meant to be turned to reality', I've always heard that and although sometimes I tend to forget it along the way, at the end of the day it would always be one of the few things that I would remind myself of in order to overcome my fears and take the small steps I need to fish out the most precious jewels this world can offer.
It's about you being brave, having the guts to take the small steps that you need in order to make the smallest difference in your life that will probably create a bigger difference in your future. A future that I'm starting to see clearly again because of the strength I earned from finding the lucky odds out among the more complex reality that is there.
'Dreams are not meant to stay dreams, for dreams are meant to be turned to reality', I've always heard that and although sometimes I tend to forget it along the way, at the end of the day it would always be one of the few things that I would remind myself of in order to overcome my fears and take the small steps I need to fish out the most precious jewels this world can offer.
I want to see how far I can go with the path I chose and is still choosing now, that I want to take the big leap. Perhaps, like what that person had told me last night or from what I had read about today, maybe I will try something new. Something that will bring me out of my comfort zone today, tomorrow, and in the days to come.
Wish me luck! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comment here ♥